I can’t think of anything clever.

Welp. If you haven’t already noticed, I’ve gone through a period of not posting things, once again. Been busy with school work. And laziness. You know how it is. 

So… To start out, I can’t recall if I’ve mentioned this or not but you may or may not know that I am not one who typically has dreams. Not good ones especially. Well lately I’ve been having what seems to be good ones. And I recognize someone’s presence in them but I suppose I don’t really know what the significance of that is. I remembered bits of one. I woke up… almost not in my usual morning grog. And I remembered a specific person. The details slipped away quickly. Anyway, I went on to wake up with that same feeling a few more times throughout the week.

Got a lot on my mind lately. Can’t really explain it but it’s all there. I’ve been trying to learn about black holes and worm holes and galaxies. I’ve taken an interest. I love going out and looking up into the sky. The other night it was so clear, you could see the milky way. A few nights later, I got a really good view of Jupiter. I also have some school work I have to get done but I seem to really need the cool down time. I don’t know why I have such minimal motivation but I need to reacquire whatever drove me to make any amount of effort before. Need to get my stuff together. 

As far as relationships go, I’m totally unsure how I feel about them. Part of me wants one. Like… really wants one. One that is lasting and good and beneficial and doesn’t annoy other people by being full of PDA and clingy behavior. I need things in my life to by clarified. Feelings people have for me… I need more than an “I like you” because that really isn’t much to go off of. I want a guy to tell me exactly how he feels about me. I want to hear “I think about you at least a few times a day and your face is one I like to look at and waking up next to you, I imagine, could be the best possible start to a day. Waking up next to you and having bacon with breakfast.”

For a while I thought maybe all I wanted was sex. I’ve realized that that’s not really the case at all. And not to say that I am tired of it but I would love to have something even a little bit meaningful. I’m even considering a go at short-term celibacy. I’m thinking something along the lines of “Try being in a proper relationship for at least a few weeks first” and noting else. I mean… I keep getting rewarded for not being in a relationship by having multiple sexual propects. It’s like I’m encouraged to destroy relationships as quickly as possible. So it could be like… extra incentive. I don’t really know. I’m sort of just typing whatever comes to mind now. 

I should probably just watch Harold and Maude again and think about the kind of person I want in my life. Try to make a list of qualities I like and hate. I feel like I’m constantly working from scratch. Like I don’t remember what it’s like to be in a relationship even though I’ve been in plenty. *Shrug* My brain is going on a weird little tangent now. 

I hope none of this came across in a depressed tone. I do so hate to sound like I’m incessantly whining. I’m merely sharing my thoughts. Trying to figure out who I am and all that. It’s a longer journey than I’d ever imagined. 

Thank you for your views, dears. 

 

Faire thee well!

Life Advice From My Favorite Film

Okay so i feel like it’s pretty common knowledge that Harold and Maude is my favorite film. 

More than Lord of the Rings. Seriously. 

Anyway, there are a lot of fantastic lines said by Maude that just hit home in so many ways. And in all honesty, she’s a woman I admire greatly. This one however, is the one that stands out in my mind today. 

“A lot of people enjoy being dead. but they’re not dead, really. They’re just… backing away from life. Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. Play as well as you can.”

(Here’s the link if you’re interested: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iS-odj3hWpM )

Anyway. This week has been an incredibly emotional one for me. As many of you know, being emotional is not exactly a quality I’m particularly fond of in myself but I really can’t help it. 

I tell myself not to get upset over things but it just doesn’t work that way. 

So I took a break for a brief time. I let myself act illogically and I opened myself to the potential of pain. Needless to say, it didn’t take long to find me. 

It’s so easy to say that I want to just close up and work harder to avoid going outside of my comfort zone but then I really thought about it. In a few days, maybe even today, I’ll be fine. I can accept things and move on. I can go out and live some more and let myself get hurt. It’s worth it to experience life to the fullest. And, I mean, how can one really appreciate pleasure until they’ve experienced pain. 

The last few days I’ve needed someone to just… reach out and tell me that I am important to them and that they are happy to have me in their life. One night when I was starting to feel really hopeless, I got a text from a good friend of mine. “I love you, pumpkin” and it was exactly what I needed and I made it through the next day just fine. The rest of the week sort of tore me apart… but I didn’t let up my efforts. I tried to be cheerful and hopeful and make it through and then they were crushed again and again until I finally just gave up trying to force myself to be okay.

But you know what? I think I am. I think… I just need to figure out what I want and then go for it. And maybe by the time I do, it’ll be obtainable. 

The point is, I need to stop trying to force myself not to react emotionally to everything because every experience has some value. Something we take away from it. Good or bad, we push on and the pain goes away. 

Anyway. I hope if you’ve been having a similarly difficult time, that you can take something away from this too. Or even if you just need advice for the future. 

 

Harold and Maude is a great movie for that sort of thing. 

 

Faire Thee Well

~Moira Fay

On being socially awkward.

So. Ya’ll already know. I’m awkward. Communicating is complicated. I don’t easily share my emotions because I never know how to say what I mean. I swear I try. It just never comes out. 

Sometimes, I say things I find funny and other people don’t see the humor in it. I’m not good at judging what people find funny. I find just about everything funny. This is problematic. 

I hate seeing people try to be something they’re not. If it’s just them trying to be what they desperately wish they were, I might understand. But sometimes I mean even stupid things. Especially if it’s something someone else doesn’t understand if they pretend to. It’s a problem. 

It can be hard to admit when you’re wrong. I know. I’m wrong a lot. But what good does it do to go on arguing or fighting when you’ve already lost? Especially those who continue to bring up the same point over and over like all of the sudden whoever they’re arguing with will be like “OH you know what! I get it now. You’re actually right even though the last 3 times you were entirely wrong!”

No one says that. Not without the most sarcastic of tones. 

Sometimes I can convince people to see what something is funny. So that I feel less guilty about it. Maybe not always funny “Haha” but amusing in general. 

Honestly, finding a little humor and everything is what keeps me going day to day. I look at the direction the world is headed some times and just get depressed. Can’t do that. I’ll never be happy if I can’t find something worth laughing at.

A lot of people think I’m perpetually happy because I’m generally laughing when I’m with others. This is not really true. I sit around and try to imagine social interactions with others and various reactions that person may have. 

Sometimes I sit and wonder whether or not I’ll ever fall in love and be in a lasting marriage.

It’s easier to tell myself to give up on it. Maybe I will meet/have met someone worth loving. I may not be able to admit it when it happens. Not to myself right away. And not to him either probably. I think it may be too much commitment to say it and mean it. Too much vulnerability. Chances are I’d chase the guy away so that things could go back to normal. 

When you love someone, you start making decisions based entirely around it. You stop caring about things so much because you have what you want, right? Maybe? I don’t know. I just theorize. Maybe some day I won’t be so scared. We’ll see what man is unlucky enough to win me over.

It’s probably a bit strange but I’m rooting for someone. Against my own fears and expectations, I am hoping he succeeds. It’s a silly thing, really. Maybe I’ll make him miserable some day. But if he loves me back, maybe I’d make him happy too. Maybe just a little more happy than he is. Or was. 

I’m done for now. Maybe I’ll add more later. My ability to express myself is impaired at the moment.

 

Faire Thee Well. 

Logic is a Tool… for getting rid of unwanted emotions.

Just a warning, the first few paragraphs of this are mostly me whining about hating how emotional I am. Feel free to skip to the things I think about to make my emotions go away, I’ll give you a hint: I probably watch too much Back to the Future. It starts with “My thoughts on the following:”

If you’ve known me a while, you probably know that I can be unreasonably emotional. What you may not know is that when this happens, my determination to not be emotional mixed with the fact that I’m embarrassed for being such in front of others tends to cause HUGE problems for me. I know I wear my heart on my sleeve but it didn’t scare me so much before.

What tends to make things the worst for me is when I’m trying to be logical and I’m upset over something silly. Because then as a logical person, I’m seeing why I’m upset, acknowledging that I shouldn’t be and then getting upset with myself for being upset about something stupid. Then I realise I’m just making it worse and get even more upset. 

See how this is a problem? 

I apologize to anyone who’s been in close proximity with me when this was an issue. I know I’m being ridiculous and I wish I was better at hiding my emotions. Especially when I know they’re unreasonable. 

Talking to people about why I’m upset then makes things even harder. Last night I had the experience of sobbing uncontrollably because I was so embarrassed by how much I was crying because it didn’t make sense and I couldn’t make sense of it. I was a mess. And I felt absolutely awful. I tried to just go calm down on my own whenever I felt myself losing composure because I didn’t want anyone to have to deal with it. But it didn’t go that well. I was entirely obvious. As to be expected. And I felt terrible about it. 

Anyway, I apologize for all the whining and things you probably weren’t that interested in. I’ll move on to something more interesting. 

My thoughts on the following:

Time travel! If I could successfully unlock the secret to time travel, what would this mean? Well first off, it would mean that I am super bad ass and you’re all in awe of my awesomeness. But realistically speaking, it would be terribly complicated. Not only the invention itself but the moral standards to which one would have to be held. Time travel is very delicate. There may have to be some sort of communication that works through different time streams. The person chosen would have to be very very very very very mentally stable. They would have to pass some sort of personalty/IQ test that would give us an indication that they’re a trustworthy person to send. Because of the knowledge one would have going into the past or gain going into the future, it’s imperative that this person is held to VERY high moral standards. 

Which brings us to our next thing, they would have to be limited. To like…. 1 or 2. For the sake of regulation. And they would need to be under high security. 

Next thought: Flying cars. Now… hover cars COULD be done through magnetism. If the roads are magnetized and the car “Wheels” are magnetized such that when one is driving, it’s of the same charge as the road and when parking they’d be opposite. The problem this creates: Magnets, being the powerful forces they are, could interfere with electricity, credit cards, and compasses. It would keep people from wearing stupid jewelry though. I approve of that plan. 

Or there could be some sort of air forcing the vehicle to hover. Passing under/over cars would be problematic. They also wouldn’t be allowed to fly as high as planes. There may also have to be some sort of sensor or the car would have to be set for different weights in order to make sure it hovers at the right height. 

I’m a little tired now so I am going to take a nap. 

Faire thee well!

My not-even-a-little-bit-depressing blog post!

Wow so. Yesterday marked 60 years of marriage for my grandparents, Tom and Ellen Harmon. Now… my grandparents are awesome. I love them. They’re adorable. My grandma is probably about 5 ft tall and she’s got curly white hair and looks like the kind sweet grandma that exists in fairy tales. She’s tiny but everyone is scared of her. This includes all of her kids (I’m sure), most of the grandkids, and her husband. My grandfather… he is easily over 6 ft tall. His hair is still black (It’s natural. I kid you not.) He is such a trouble maker. But he’s a really good guy. When he was younger, he looked like Alec Baldwin and all the women wanted him. I hear ALL about it at the nursing homes. But my grandma got him, and he’s the really lucky one and he knows it. They both love each other very much. Grandma will roll her eyes at the shenanigans Grandpa tries to pull and try to be stern sometimes but he’ll still snicker and smile his boyish way.

I’m telling you, these two love each other so much. It’s really just… it instills hope in me.

As much as I love being cynical and a love-hater and whatnot, there’s a part of me that just really wants what they have and even gives me a little hope that I may find it. Some day, maybe I’ll marry a handsome man and he’ll still think he’s the lucky one and I’ll be able to smile at his boyish charms but pretend to be stern and then tell him I love him. Who knows?

They’ve been together through everything it seems. They travel together. They had 10 kids and raised them all so that they knew they were loved and moved on to have their own lives.

I don’t want 10 kids. I want 2. Maybe. But the point still stands! If they can make it through 10 kids and still love each other, there’s got to be something great there.

 

On a slightly unrelated note, I’m having a lovely week and I’m extremely happy. Like… a lot of happy. It’s awesome.

Maybe some day I’ll post why.  ;)

Faire thee well!

 

Expect the Unexpected!

That’s been said. I swear. You recognize it. Don’t pretend you don’t. But honestly, it’s probably one of the least helpful bits of advice out there. Something like “Embrace the unexpected” makes a lot more sense. Besides. Paradoxes are really annoying and I’m pretty sure they cause black holes. Black holes are cool. But that’s besides the point. 

I have been experiencing the unexpected and let’s just say, I have NO idea what to do with it. I’m surprised on a daily basis it seems. 

I’m a lonely, bitter girl who harbors resentment toward everyone who thinks they’re in love and likes to post about it all over facebook with their engagements and “Oh my good. Johnny McPoopface bought me a pound of diamonds and I love him sooooo muuuuch”

I’m going to be honest. Pictures people take of themselves making out with their significant other and post as their profile picture so everyone can see it? I think it’s ridiculous. I’m sure EVERYONE needs to see how in love you are. It’s really important and fan-freaking-tastic and all but let’s be serious, at that point, you’re just rubbing everyone else’s noses in it and just doing that couple-y thing where no one else in the world seems to exist. 

Love is selfish. Honestly. Seriously. Let’s look at this. How often does someone blow off their friends because they’re “Pursuing love”? It seems to happen a lot to me. And maybe that’s why I’m bitter about it. All the friends of mine who think it’s an acceptable and maybe even noble pursuit to follow around a guy in all of their free time and then claim not to have time for anyone else. 

But whatever. I’m not a fan of most people’s views of romance anyhow. I don’t enjoy making out with a guy in a room full of friends (Unless it’s on a dare but then that’s usually a female). Like… seriously? If you’re spending THAT much time together, you can keep your faces apart when you’re hanging out with your friends who you will be a good 10 hours away from in a week or so. Like… if I went to college with someone and he/she wanted to spend all of his/her time with his/her boy/girlfriend from another school, I’d get that. Because you know what? We can chill at school. But that’s not the case. 

Anyway. That’s just a personal pet peeve about people in relationships.

Onto my next order of business. My nightmare/bad dream from the other night. 

It wasn’t anything particularly terrifying. Just not pleasant. It took place in the future. Like… pretty technologically different from life now. You’d go shopping and the floors and walls were all advanced and had things that would pop out at you. In this society, if you stood out, you would be removed. They had a method of disposing of citizens they didn’t approve of, and I was apparently one of them. The reason: I was wearing a necklace (that I actually own) with big charms on it and my D20 choker. No. I’m not kidding. So what they would do, you see, is trap this person between two garage doors with tinted windows and go through their disposal process. When it was done (Usually it went very quickly), the doors would open and the area would be empty. No sign of anything ever having happened. So they decide to go after me. I realize and I run into a friend while walking around waiting for this “justice” to take place. I take off my necklaces, hand them to him and request that he give one to my younger sister and one to my mother. Because I didn’t feel that they were aware enough that I love them. So the garage doors came and I heard some discussion about a malfunction with the primary disposal machine. So then a large off-white tarp fell over me. and the doors covered it from view. Next think I know, a female robotic voice says a name and and I feel what I believe was a huge boxing glove punch me under the tarp. Then there’s another robotic voice and it happens again. It goes on like this. The punches gradually getting harder and harder. Me getting beaten to death under a tarp by giant boxing gloves.

I woke up as it was happening. So I don’t have anything else really to say on the matter.

On a completely unrelated note. I think I like someone. That’s the whole “Unexpected” thing that I didn’t expect. It’s got me thinking a little more than I’d like to. 

Faire thee well!

 

Just a pointless rant.

Science doesn’t leave a lot of room for emotions. Maybe that’s what I like about it. I can just show everything aside and not deal with it and… well… I don’t really know. 

I want to be a good scientist. I want to be… emotionally detached enough that I wont feel guilty if I have to use a dog with muscular dystrophy in an experiment, I can handle it. I know that seems like a weird thing but seriously. That’s a thing that happened. They had to slowly bleed him to death to study the tissue. I couldn’t have done that… 

As soon as there is no science to do, there’s nothing between me and my emotions. So I look for more science. 

Problems are just… easier to ignore sometimes. But it almost never ends well. 

I just got out of a relationship. I’m hoping it’ll work some day but it’s not right now. It took me a few days to start laughing again. And it was when I was watching That 70’s Show. Hyde said something dickish and I laughed….

MAYBE I AM BECOMING A REAL SCIENTIST!

I don’t want to be heartless. I just want to be… tougher. 

But here’s the problem. I also like being the person people can talk to about almost everything. I like… being reliable. Loved. Helpful. I like making people happy. 

I have a hard time saying “no” and I fall apart when someone calls me selfish because I invest more of myself than I can handle into making others happy. 

But maybe being selfish would be a step up for me. I’m trying a little. I need to be able to take care of myself. Because I don’t want to be taken care of. I would feel like a burden. 

I figure, if something I do doesn’t actually affect anyone else, then why should they care if I do it? I’m going to do stupid things. It’s inevitable. I’d done them in the past. I’m doing them right now. I’m 18. Doing stupid things is sort of my job. And I have a job coming this school year. One I should always be able to get if I want it. Which is comforting. 

It’s nice to know that if you want something, even if you don’t know you want it, if you do, it’ll be there. But it’s also not really realistic… and sometimes it’s not fair to others. 

I’m only really posting because I don’t know what else to do. 

I’ve got more going on than I know how to deal with and I want to just bury it all in a pile of equations I haven’t yet learned how to solve. Where it belongs. 

Life is like that. As we grow up, we learn ways to solve the formulas of life. Certain people learn tricks and short cuts. Others struggle to make the connections between variables or look at the wrong variables and get frustrated. 

Life would be easier if it was a multiple choice test…

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