Welp. If you haven’t already noticed, I’ve gone through a period of not posting things, once again. Been busy with school work. And laziness. You know how it is.
So… To start out, I can’t recall if I’ve mentioned this or not but you may or may not know that I am not one who typically has dreams. Not good ones especially. Well lately I’ve been having what seems to be good ones. And I recognize someone’s presence in them but I suppose I don’t really know what the significance of that is. I remembered bits of one. I woke up… almost not in my usual morning grog. And I remembered a specific person. The details slipped away quickly. Anyway, I went on to wake up with that same feeling a few more times throughout the week.
Got a lot on my mind lately. Can’t really explain it but it’s all there. I’ve been trying to learn about black holes and worm holes and galaxies. I’ve taken an interest. I love going out and looking up into the sky. The other night it was so clear, you could see the milky way. A few nights later, I got a really good view of Jupiter. I also have some school work I have to get done but I seem to really need the cool down time. I don’t know why I have such minimal motivation but I need to reacquire whatever drove me to make any amount of effort before. Need to get my stuff together.
As far as relationships go, I’m totally unsure how I feel about them. Part of me wants one. Like… really wants one. One that is lasting and good and beneficial and doesn’t annoy other people by being full of PDA and clingy behavior. I need things in my life to by clarified. Feelings people have for me… I need more than an “I like you” because that really isn’t much to go off of. I want a guy to tell me exactly how he feels about me. I want to hear “I think about you at least a few times a day and your face is one I like to look at and waking up next to you, I imagine, could be the best possible start to a day. Waking up next to you and having bacon with breakfast.”
For a while I thought maybe all I wanted was sex. I’ve realized that that’s not really the case at all. And not to say that I am tired of it but I would love to have something even a little bit meaningful. I’m even considering a go at short-term celibacy. I’m thinking something along the lines of “Try being in a proper relationship for at least a few weeks first” and noting else. I mean… I keep getting rewarded for not being in a relationship by having multiple sexual propects. It’s like I’m encouraged to destroy relationships as quickly as possible. So it could be like… extra incentive. I don’t really know. I’m sort of just typing whatever comes to mind now.
I should probably just watch Harold and Maude again and think about the kind of person I want in my life. Try to make a list of qualities I like and hate. I feel like I’m constantly working from scratch. Like I don’t remember what it’s like to be in a relationship even though I’ve been in plenty. *Shrug* My brain is going on a weird little tangent now.
I hope none of this came across in a depressed tone. I do so hate to sound like I’m incessantly whining. I’m merely sharing my thoughts. Trying to figure out who I am and all that. It’s a longer journey than I’d ever imagined.
Thank you for your views, dears.
Faire thee well!