It’s been so long. Too long maybe, and I’m sure you’re all wondering why… Well… I really don’t know.
I’ve been distracted. New boyfriend, new school, new netflix account, new hair.
I swear I always thought of posting… I just always forgot or didn’t have time.
Well tonight I’m not too terribly tired even though I really should be and I felt like having a little chat. Now, for those of you who actually take the time out of your very important schedules (i’m sure) to check up on me and explore my thoughts, I appreciate and adore you. You’re all lovely people. At least I’m pretty sure.
I, however, am pretty sure I am not. I’ve recently discovered something about myself which I’m not sure I ever really wanted to know. In fact, I’m not sure I’m ready to admit it outright. I’ve been doing something. Something that.. didn’t make me guilty until a few days ago. When I broke my own rules.
Now… let’s try this. If you’ve ever been able to rationalize something immoral without even realizing it, raise your hand.
Okay, you don’t REALLY have to raise your hand but I’m betting you considered it anyway. I know. I’m very convincing.
Well perhaps if you have, you can relate. Maybe you felt you were justly picking on someone because they picked on others. (Let’s be honest. Ass holes are ass holes and we LOVE to tell them and everyone else to what degree they are thus).
Maybe, like me, you’re insecure and found yourself in an awkward position of being wanted and not knowing how to say know. Even if you were wanted by someone who you even want back, there’s something really intriguing about not having been considered attractive most your life and then realizing that the people around you are starting to find you more desirable. As lovely of a feeling as it is, if you’re as insecure and in need of that feeling to be desired, this can be a serious hindrance. Now I tell you know, I have not physically or knowingly cheated on someone I was in a relationship with. At least, I didn’t know at the time if I was.
In a relationship, one you’re serious about, you should establish an idea of what each person is alright and not alright with. Where they stand morally on certain situations and how they’d feel about you being in those situations.
It’s a hard thing to explain.
Anywho, perhaps a new line of thought. Since writing, I’ve found that I have rather a passionate appreciation for the motion picture, Harold and Maude. Ruth Gordon (Maude) is an inspirational character. Was an inspirational woman. It’s hard to imagine a woman so vivacious not being alive. Especially when I see hew nearly every day. She was a woman worth admiring. Desiring. Loving. And I want to be worthy of those things too.
My boyfriend is quite lovely. If you haven’t met him, I apologize. He’s quite a likable person. I think it’s hard not to like someone who barely speaks because you’d be hard pressed to find something you don’t like about someone you can’t even get to know.
But I got to know him. And it was worth the prodding and poking and emotional stories that got us to where we are today. But sometimes, I’d very much like to put today on hold for next year.
It’s important to be single, I think. If you’ve been in bad relationships, whether it be the fault of one member or the other, avoiding relationships for an appropriate amount of time is a good way of reevaluating ones self.
I want to always be honest with people. If I always promise to be honest, then I won’t do things I would be too ashamed to admit to. So it keeps my morals in check. At least for the most part.
I have many regrets. I have… things I’ve blamed people for when I was just as much at fault. Things I let hurt me more than they ever should have.
The real truth, the one people like to avoid sharing, is that I am not a particularly great person. I want to be. And I want to be able to say I try to be. I usually do try to be that person worth liking. I like to volunteer and make people around me happy. I’m the person adding patchwork all over the world. Making the wholes in relationships a little less likely to continue tearing. And I’m proud of that.
I’m also very insecure, as I mentioned earlier. I’ve slept with people just for the validation. I’ll be almost anyone someone wants me to be in order to feel liked.
I’d love to be adored and occasionally feel that I deserve to be. But I feel everyone deserves a little adoration if they’re contributing something beneficial to society and I adore many people for various reasons.
I believe in god but I don’t know which one and I’m not actively searching. I’m okay with not having a religion. I have faith that whoever it is who’s out there would interfere if he/she saw someone really suffering but just observes the rest of the time.
I, until recently, did not feel that sexting/cybersex with someone while you’re in a relationship with someone else was really cheating. My reasoning for that was that I honestly did not invest much of myself into it. I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted but found it fulfilling in no other way. And I never would have taken it further. I know that. I’ve had the opportunity and I can’t do it.
I’m passive aggressive because sometimes I like to watch the person that hurt me realize their mistake and feel guilty for it. When I’m satisfied with their guilt, I will talk to them and forgive them then maybe apologize for making them feel so bad. But I always mean it.
I’m scared of a lot of people. Anyone who’s opinion of me matters or I know will be swayed to a level of disliking if I don’t or do do something, I’ll make more of an effort with.
I’m pro-choice. And I have a really fantastic argument as to why if you feel inclined to challenge me for my opinion.
I prefer male companionship but often screw it up with sex.
I was scared of dogs until recently.
I give my mom a hard time a lot because I know she loves me unconditionally so I can get away with it. And I try to make sure she knows I love her and make up for being an ass when I can.
I smoke tobacco when I’m upset or stressed. It keeps me from eating or seducing. But I hate cigarettes and think they taste awful.
I’m probably a hipster but I’m so determined to be unique that I get mad when people call me one.
I dislike my step father a lot. For various reasons.
I don’t like when someone speaks for me without my permission.
I hate lying.
I suck at relationships.
And I’m a hopeless romantic, but not the kind who likes pet names and public affection.
I get jealous a lot.
I love a lot of people.
I think Harold is sexy because he’s awkward but my dream man is Hyde from That 70’s Show. I’ve never dated a Hyde… but I feel like I need to so I can know if we’d even really work.
My favorite song right now is “I Think I See the Light” by Cat Stevens.
If you’ve actually read this whole thing, thanks for putting up with me and I hope you still think I’m worth loving.
Live a meaningful life until we meet again.