I can’t think of anything clever.

Welp. If you haven’t already noticed, I’ve gone through a period of not posting things, once again. Been busy with school work. And laziness. You know how it is. 

So… To start out, I can’t recall if I’ve mentioned this or not but you may or may not know that I am not one who typically has dreams. Not good ones especially. Well lately I’ve been having what seems to be good ones. And I recognize someone’s presence in them but I suppose I don’t really know what the significance of that is. I remembered bits of one. I woke up… almost not in my usual morning grog. And I remembered a specific person. The details slipped away quickly. Anyway, I went on to wake up with that same feeling a few more times throughout the week.

Got a lot on my mind lately. Can’t really explain it but it’s all there. I’ve been trying to learn about black holes and worm holes and galaxies. I’ve taken an interest. I love going out and looking up into the sky. The other night it was so clear, you could see the milky way. A few nights later, I got a really good view of Jupiter. I also have some school work I have to get done but I seem to really need the cool down time. I don’t know why I have such minimal motivation but I need to reacquire whatever drove me to make any amount of effort before. Need to get my stuff together. 

As far as relationships go, I’m totally unsure how I feel about them. Part of me wants one. Like… really wants one. One that is lasting and good and beneficial and doesn’t annoy other people by being full of PDA and clingy behavior. I need things in my life to by clarified. Feelings people have for me… I need more than an “I like you” because that really isn’t much to go off of. I want a guy to tell me exactly how he feels about me. I want to hear “I think about you at least a few times a day and your face is one I like to look at and waking up next to you, I imagine, could be the best possible start to a day. Waking up next to you and having bacon with breakfast.”

For a while I thought maybe all I wanted was sex. I’ve realized that that’s not really the case at all. And not to say that I am tired of it but I would love to have something even a little bit meaningful. I’m even considering a go at short-term celibacy. I’m thinking something along the lines of “Try being in a proper relationship for at least a few weeks first” and noting else. I mean… I keep getting rewarded for not being in a relationship by having multiple sexual propects. It’s like I’m encouraged to destroy relationships as quickly as possible. So it could be like… extra incentive. I don’t really know. I’m sort of just typing whatever comes to mind now. 

I should probably just watch Harold and Maude again and think about the kind of person I want in my life. Try to make a list of qualities I like and hate. I feel like I’m constantly working from scratch. Like I don’t remember what it’s like to be in a relationship even though I’ve been in plenty. *Shrug* My brain is going on a weird little tangent now. 

I hope none of this came across in a depressed tone. I do so hate to sound like I’m incessantly whining. I’m merely sharing my thoughts. Trying to figure out who I am and all that. It’s a longer journey than I’d ever imagined. 

Thank you for your views, dears. 

 

Faire thee well!

Life Advice From My Favorite Film

Okay so i feel like it’s pretty common knowledge that Harold and Maude is my favorite film. 

More than Lord of the Rings. Seriously. 

Anyway, there are a lot of fantastic lines said by Maude that just hit home in so many ways. And in all honesty, she’s a woman I admire greatly. This one however, is the one that stands out in my mind today. 

“A lot of people enjoy being dead. but they’re not dead, really. They’re just… backing away from life. Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. Play as well as you can.”

(Here’s the link if you’re interested: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iS-odj3hWpM )

Anyway. This week has been an incredibly emotional one for me. As many of you know, being emotional is not exactly a quality I’m particularly fond of in myself but I really can’t help it. 

I tell myself not to get upset over things but it just doesn’t work that way. 

So I took a break for a brief time. I let myself act illogically and I opened myself to the potential of pain. Needless to say, it didn’t take long to find me. 

It’s so easy to say that I want to just close up and work harder to avoid going outside of my comfort zone but then I really thought about it. In a few days, maybe even today, I’ll be fine. I can accept things and move on. I can go out and live some more and let myself get hurt. It’s worth it to experience life to the fullest. And, I mean, how can one really appreciate pleasure until they’ve experienced pain. 

The last few days I’ve needed someone to just… reach out and tell me that I am important to them and that they are happy to have me in their life. One night when I was starting to feel really hopeless, I got a text from a good friend of mine. “I love you, pumpkin” and it was exactly what I needed and I made it through the next day just fine. The rest of the week sort of tore me apart… but I didn’t let up my efforts. I tried to be cheerful and hopeful and make it through and then they were crushed again and again until I finally just gave up trying to force myself to be okay.

But you know what? I think I am. I think… I just need to figure out what I want and then go for it. And maybe by the time I do, it’ll be obtainable. 

The point is, I need to stop trying to force myself not to react emotionally to everything because every experience has some value. Something we take away from it. Good or bad, we push on and the pain goes away. 

Anyway. I hope if you’ve been having a similarly difficult time, that you can take something away from this too. Or even if you just need advice for the future. 

 

Harold and Maude is a great movie for that sort of thing. 

 

Faire Thee Well

~Moira Fay

On being socially awkward.

So. Ya’ll already know. I’m awkward. Communicating is complicated. I don’t easily share my emotions because I never know how to say what I mean. I swear I try. It just never comes out. 

Sometimes, I say things I find funny and other people don’t see the humor in it. I’m not good at judging what people find funny. I find just about everything funny. This is problematic. 

I hate seeing people try to be something they’re not. If it’s just them trying to be what they desperately wish they were, I might understand. But sometimes I mean even stupid things. Especially if it’s something someone else doesn’t understand if they pretend to. It’s a problem. 

It can be hard to admit when you’re wrong. I know. I’m wrong a lot. But what good does it do to go on arguing or fighting when you’ve already lost? Especially those who continue to bring up the same point over and over like all of the sudden whoever they’re arguing with will be like “OH you know what! I get it now. You’re actually right even though the last 3 times you were entirely wrong!”

No one says that. Not without the most sarcastic of tones. 

Sometimes I can convince people to see what something is funny. So that I feel less guilty about it. Maybe not always funny “Haha” but amusing in general. 

Honestly, finding a little humor and everything is what keeps me going day to day. I look at the direction the world is headed some times and just get depressed. Can’t do that. I’ll never be happy if I can’t find something worth laughing at.

A lot of people think I’m perpetually happy because I’m generally laughing when I’m with others. This is not really true. I sit around and try to imagine social interactions with others and various reactions that person may have. 

Sometimes I sit and wonder whether or not I’ll ever fall in love and be in a lasting marriage.

It’s easier to tell myself to give up on it. Maybe I will meet/have met someone worth loving. I may not be able to admit it when it happens. Not to myself right away. And not to him either probably. I think it may be too much commitment to say it and mean it. Too much vulnerability. Chances are I’d chase the guy away so that things could go back to normal. 

When you love someone, you start making decisions based entirely around it. You stop caring about things so much because you have what you want, right? Maybe? I don’t know. I just theorize. Maybe some day I won’t be so scared. We’ll see what man is unlucky enough to win me over.

It’s probably a bit strange but I’m rooting for someone. Against my own fears and expectations, I am hoping he succeeds. It’s a silly thing, really. Maybe I’ll make him miserable some day. But if he loves me back, maybe I’d make him happy too. Maybe just a little more happy than he is. Or was. 

I’m done for now. Maybe I’ll add more later. My ability to express myself is impaired at the moment.

 

Faire Thee Well. 

Logic is a Tool… for getting rid of unwanted emotions.

Just a warning, the first few paragraphs of this are mostly me whining about hating how emotional I am. Feel free to skip to the things I think about to make my emotions go away, I’ll give you a hint: I probably watch too much Back to the Future. It starts with “My thoughts on the following:”

If you’ve known me a while, you probably know that I can be unreasonably emotional. What you may not know is that when this happens, my determination to not be emotional mixed with the fact that I’m embarrassed for being such in front of others tends to cause HUGE problems for me. I know I wear my heart on my sleeve but it didn’t scare me so much before.

What tends to make things the worst for me is when I’m trying to be logical and I’m upset over something silly. Because then as a logical person, I’m seeing why I’m upset, acknowledging that I shouldn’t be and then getting upset with myself for being upset about something stupid. Then I realise I’m just making it worse and get even more upset. 

See how this is a problem? 

I apologize to anyone who’s been in close proximity with me when this was an issue. I know I’m being ridiculous and I wish I was better at hiding my emotions. Especially when I know they’re unreasonable. 

Talking to people about why I’m upset then makes things even harder. Last night I had the experience of sobbing uncontrollably because I was so embarrassed by how much I was crying because it didn’t make sense and I couldn’t make sense of it. I was a mess. And I felt absolutely awful. I tried to just go calm down on my own whenever I felt myself losing composure because I didn’t want anyone to have to deal with it. But it didn’t go that well. I was entirely obvious. As to be expected. And I felt terrible about it. 

Anyway, I apologize for all the whining and things you probably weren’t that interested in. I’ll move on to something more interesting. 

My thoughts on the following:

Time travel! If I could successfully unlock the secret to time travel, what would this mean? Well first off, it would mean that I am super bad ass and you’re all in awe of my awesomeness. But realistically speaking, it would be terribly complicated. Not only the invention itself but the moral standards to which one would have to be held. Time travel is very delicate. There may have to be some sort of communication that works through different time streams. The person chosen would have to be very very very very very mentally stable. They would have to pass some sort of personalty/IQ test that would give us an indication that they’re a trustworthy person to send. Because of the knowledge one would have going into the past or gain going into the future, it’s imperative that this person is held to VERY high moral standards. 

Which brings us to our next thing, they would have to be limited. To like…. 1 or 2. For the sake of regulation. And they would need to be under high security. 

Next thought: Flying cars. Now… hover cars COULD be done through magnetism. If the roads are magnetized and the car “Wheels” are magnetized such that when one is driving, it’s of the same charge as the road and when parking they’d be opposite. The problem this creates: Magnets, being the powerful forces they are, could interfere with electricity, credit cards, and compasses. It would keep people from wearing stupid jewelry though. I approve of that plan. 

Or there could be some sort of air forcing the vehicle to hover. Passing under/over cars would be problematic. They also wouldn’t be allowed to fly as high as planes. There may also have to be some sort of sensor or the car would have to be set for different weights in order to make sure it hovers at the right height. 

I’m a little tired now so I am going to take a nap. 

Faire thee well!

My not-even-a-little-bit-depressing blog post!

Wow so. Yesterday marked 60 years of marriage for my grandparents, Tom and Ellen Harmon. Now… my grandparents are awesome. I love them. They’re adorable. My grandma is probably about 5 ft tall and she’s got curly white hair and looks like the kind sweet grandma that exists in fairy tales. She’s tiny but everyone is scared of her. This includes all of her kids (I’m sure), most of the grandkids, and her husband. My grandfather… he is easily over 6 ft tall. His hair is still black (It’s natural. I kid you not.) He is such a trouble maker. But he’s a really good guy. When he was younger, he looked like Alec Baldwin and all the women wanted him. I hear ALL about it at the nursing homes. But my grandma got him, and he’s the really lucky one and he knows it. They both love each other very much. Grandma will roll her eyes at the shenanigans Grandpa tries to pull and try to be stern sometimes but he’ll still snicker and smile his boyish way.

I’m telling you, these two love each other so much. It’s really just… it instills hope in me.

As much as I love being cynical and a love-hater and whatnot, there’s a part of me that just really wants what they have and even gives me a little hope that I may find it. Some day, maybe I’ll marry a handsome man and he’ll still think he’s the lucky one and I’ll be able to smile at his boyish charms but pretend to be stern and then tell him I love him. Who knows?

They’ve been together through everything it seems. They travel together. They had 10 kids and raised them all so that they knew they were loved and moved on to have their own lives.

I don’t want 10 kids. I want 2. Maybe. But the point still stands! If they can make it through 10 kids and still love each other, there’s got to be something great there.

 

On a slightly unrelated note, I’m having a lovely week and I’m extremely happy. Like… a lot of happy. It’s awesome.

Maybe some day I’ll post why.  😉

Faire thee well!

 

Expect the Unexpected!

That’s been said. I swear. You recognize it. Don’t pretend you don’t. But honestly, it’s probably one of the least helpful bits of advice out there. Something like “Embrace the unexpected” makes a lot more sense. Besides. Paradoxes are really annoying and I’m pretty sure they cause black holes. Black holes are cool. But that’s besides the point. 

I have been experiencing the unexpected and let’s just say, I have NO idea what to do with it. I’m surprised on a daily basis it seems. 

I’m a lonely, bitter girl who harbors resentment toward everyone who thinks they’re in love and likes to post about it all over facebook with their engagements and “Oh my good. Johnny McPoopface bought me a pound of diamonds and I love him sooooo muuuuch”

I’m going to be honest. Pictures people take of themselves making out with their significant other and post as their profile picture so everyone can see it? I think it’s ridiculous. I’m sure EVERYONE needs to see how in love you are. It’s really important and fan-freaking-tastic and all but let’s be serious, at that point, you’re just rubbing everyone else’s noses in it and just doing that couple-y thing where no one else in the world seems to exist. 

Love is selfish. Honestly. Seriously. Let’s look at this. How often does someone blow off their friends because they’re “Pursuing love”? It seems to happen a lot to me. And maybe that’s why I’m bitter about it. All the friends of mine who think it’s an acceptable and maybe even noble pursuit to follow around a guy in all of their free time and then claim not to have time for anyone else. 

But whatever. I’m not a fan of most people’s views of romance anyhow. I don’t enjoy making out with a guy in a room full of friends (Unless it’s on a dare but then that’s usually a female). Like… seriously? If you’re spending THAT much time together, you can keep your faces apart when you’re hanging out with your friends who you will be a good 10 hours away from in a week or so. Like… if I went to college with someone and he/she wanted to spend all of his/her time with his/her boy/girlfriend from another school, I’d get that. Because you know what? We can chill at school. But that’s not the case. 

Anyway. That’s just a personal pet peeve about people in relationships.

Onto my next order of business. My nightmare/bad dream from the other night. 

It wasn’t anything particularly terrifying. Just not pleasant. It took place in the future. Like… pretty technologically different from life now. You’d go shopping and the floors and walls were all advanced and had things that would pop out at you. In this society, if you stood out, you would be removed. They had a method of disposing of citizens they didn’t approve of, and I was apparently one of them. The reason: I was wearing a necklace (that I actually own) with big charms on it and my D20 choker. No. I’m not kidding. So what they would do, you see, is trap this person between two garage doors with tinted windows and go through their disposal process. When it was done (Usually it went very quickly), the doors would open and the area would be empty. No sign of anything ever having happened. So they decide to go after me. I realize and I run into a friend while walking around waiting for this “justice” to take place. I take off my necklaces, hand them to him and request that he give one to my younger sister and one to my mother. Because I didn’t feel that they were aware enough that I love them. So the garage doors came and I heard some discussion about a malfunction with the primary disposal machine. So then a large off-white tarp fell over me. and the doors covered it from view. Next think I know, a female robotic voice says a name and and I feel what I believe was a huge boxing glove punch me under the tarp. Then there’s another robotic voice and it happens again. It goes on like this. The punches gradually getting harder and harder. Me getting beaten to death under a tarp by giant boxing gloves.

I woke up as it was happening. So I don’t have anything else really to say on the matter.

On a completely unrelated note. I think I like someone. That’s the whole “Unexpected” thing that I didn’t expect. It’s got me thinking a little more than I’d like to. 

Faire thee well!

 

Just a pointless rant.

Science doesn’t leave a lot of room for emotions. Maybe that’s what I like about it. I can just show everything aside and not deal with it and… well… I don’t really know. 

I want to be a good scientist. I want to be… emotionally detached enough that I wont feel guilty if I have to use a dog with muscular dystrophy in an experiment, I can handle it. I know that seems like a weird thing but seriously. That’s a thing that happened. They had to slowly bleed him to death to study the tissue. I couldn’t have done that… 

As soon as there is no science to do, there’s nothing between me and my emotions. So I look for more science. 

Problems are just… easier to ignore sometimes. But it almost never ends well. 

I just got out of a relationship. I’m hoping it’ll work some day but it’s not right now. It took me a few days to start laughing again. And it was when I was watching That 70’s Show. Hyde said something dickish and I laughed….

MAYBE I AM BECOMING A REAL SCIENTIST!

I don’t want to be heartless. I just want to be… tougher. 

But here’s the problem. I also like being the person people can talk to about almost everything. I like… being reliable. Loved. Helpful. I like making people happy. 

I have a hard time saying “no” and I fall apart when someone calls me selfish because I invest more of myself than I can handle into making others happy. 

But maybe being selfish would be a step up for me. I’m trying a little. I need to be able to take care of myself. Because I don’t want to be taken care of. I would feel like a burden. 

I figure, if something I do doesn’t actually affect anyone else, then why should they care if I do it? I’m going to do stupid things. It’s inevitable. I’d done them in the past. I’m doing them right now. I’m 18. Doing stupid things is sort of my job. And I have a job coming this school year. One I should always be able to get if I want it. Which is comforting. 

It’s nice to know that if you want something, even if you don’t know you want it, if you do, it’ll be there. But it’s also not really realistic… and sometimes it’s not fair to others. 

I’m only really posting because I don’t know what else to do. 

I’ve got more going on than I know how to deal with and I want to just bury it all in a pile of equations I haven’t yet learned how to solve. Where it belongs. 

Life is like that. As we grow up, we learn ways to solve the formulas of life. Certain people learn tricks and short cuts. Others struggle to make the connections between variables or look at the wrong variables and get frustrated. 

Life would be easier if it was a multiple choice test…

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

Not about anything specific. Just thinking. 

I think about how I really want to move away and live in Europe or Canada and get some real idea of why think America is so great. Maybe the reason I don’t is that I’ve lived here my whole life and never left. So… maybe I just take it for granted. And I’m genuinely curious about other places. What it is really like to live in a different society. People from state to state are at least a little different. So it makes me really wonder what people are like from country to country. Even if it’s small things. 

A new thing that’s been bugging me:

Sometimes I feel like people don’t like me very much. I never used to be invited to parties and parties I through with scarcely attended by others. I feel like I’m generally a good friend. I listen. I make people laugh (At me or with me). I really really care about people. But when it comes down to it, people get together and don’t want me to come. Or don’t think to invite me. And I know a lot of them honestly don’t think about anyone but sometimes, I just really want to be thought of. And wanted. And it’s probably the fact that I’m like this that makes people not want me around but then that feeds my insecurity and it’s a terrible cycle. Ugh. But I also have to keep in mind that I do it too. Friends I haven’t hung out with much are also friends I haven’t contacted in a while about hanging out. And for the most part, I know they love me. If we’ve spent any real time together, I know they love me. And I love them. I don’t know why this bothers me so often. 

I get a little upset when I bring a new friend of mine to meet a group of my friends and my friends immediately seem to like them more than they ever liked me. 

I’m really insecure. It’s pathetic. I know. 

Being pretty:

So I know I already hit the whole insecurity thing but in all seriousness, I don’t know how I feel about how I look. Sometimes, I honestly feel like I’m attractive. Other times, I feel like I’m really not and want someone to tell me I am and maybe even argue with me about it. 

I know I’m not super attractive. But I’m not terrible either. That’s how I’m feeling today. 

Something that happened today that’s making me think more than it should. 

So… my friend labeled me as “Chaotic Neutral”. This made me stop and think for a minute because I always thought of myself as more of a “good” character. But then when I thought more about it, being someone who cares about others a lot doesn’t necessarily make me good. Neither does volunteer work. I like to make people feel good about themselves and feel that I’m generally a friendly person but I’m not always very moral. I do a lot of things just for the hell of it because I know they wont really affect anyone else. Unless they decide to take it personally. 

I guess I still think of myself as more of a chaotic good character the majority of the time but hey, who’s really good all the time?

So maybe I am neutral. I’d rather not argue about it. 

I may mention it when I see him though. Just out of curiosity. 

Dogs:

So… for a long time, I was scared of dogs. Stupid, I know. But I really was. And then I started dating guys with dogs a lot. And I realized that I like them a lot and cats are kind of boring. I love my cats. But they’re seriously independent. I want to wrestle around and feel a little relied on by a truly loyal pet. 

My tendency to get obsessed or fixated:

If you know me at all, you know I either have a tiny attention span or I will obsess over things. Apparently these are both commonly seen in people with ADD/ADHD. I probably have it. I wouldn’t be surprised. I can hardly stay on topic in these damn things and when I do, it’s something I’ve been obsessing over. But even then. I get side tracked. 

SQUIRREL!

Okay. That was a joke. See? I’m Funny. LOVE ME PLEASE. 

My mood is all over the place, you guys. I don’t know what to do with myself. 

My dream last night:

I had a dream about a close male friend of mine. We were just talking. I’ve been a little annoyed with him lately which I believe was acknowledged in my dream because it seemed to work into my life pretty well. Anyway, we wound up holding hands. It was like…. when someone tickles you and you push their hands away, but then I left them there and he let me leave them there and I was really content. This dream has ruined my day. 

See. I have a really really really really great boyfriend. He thinks about me. He’s patient (usually). He’s handsome and smart and undeniably more than deserve if I can’t even get into the “Chaotic good” category. But I’m not ready for him yet. And he’s easily the greatest thing to ever happen to me but I was hoping for my “Greatest thing to ever happen to me” to happen when I’m like… 20. And thinking about when I’m going to settle down and have kids and raise them all the ways I promised I would. Maybe even in Canada. 

I know that someday he’ll be exactly what I want but right now, it’s not. And I’m not having the easiest time accepting this. And sometimes, I really feel like he should hate me for telling him this. Because why in the world would he wait for someone like me?

Love:

I often say that I don’t believe in love and that it’s just a way to get people to buy stuff for each other and shit like that. I don’t really feel like explaining all that right now. Anyway, it’s not all that true. I do believe in love. But I don’t believe in the one that’s shown through buying one another romantic gifts or making kissy faces at one another or talking to each other like babbling babies. 

Love, in my opinion, is much more simple. Romantic love (again, to me personally) is when you realize that you would spend the rest of your life with someone. Happily. Like… when you’ve been with someone a while and you realize that you could live without them but you would much rather not. And that actually works for friends too sometimes. But I’m looking mostly at the romantic version. 

So… if I’ve been in a relationship a few days or weeks and the person I’m with tells me they love me, I probably wont believe them. And I would not likely say it unless I was severely confused or trying to appease them. But in all honesty, I am not ready to feel love. It’s a big responsibility. 

Forgiveness:

I don’t think I really was as forgiving as I thought, so I decided to change. Around the last time I posted, I realized, I was holding onto a lot of anger and resentment toward some one who really didn’t deserve ti anymore. And I felt awful. Because if someone really makes you that unhappy, then just don’t have them in your life. It’s hard to do, I know. But the fact of the matter is, this was someone I want in my life. And so, I had to forgive him And I did and I feel better. It’s kind of silly but it’s true. 

Holding onto a grudge really only hurts you. I know that now. 

Being grateful:

I don’t think I tell people how much they mean to me nearly enough. A lot of my friends are people I think about every day. But I don’t contact them. I want them to know that they’re people I think about regularly and fondly. I’m just not good at keeping up with that stuff. So maybe I seem distant, but don’t let it fool you. There’s a good chance I think of you on a regular basis. And if I don’t see you, I’m probably missing you. Even if I’m not making the effort to talk to you (Which is terribly lazy. I know) it doesn’t mean you’re not important to me. It just means I suck. 

 

Well thanks for reading and I look forward to comments potentially and hope you come out feeling like you know me a little better and maybe thought about some things you’ve never thought about. Or maybe you just feel better about yourself because I suck so much. That’d be good too. 

Okay no. Let’s be honest. I’m pretty awesome. 😉

Love you and thanks

~Moira Fay

We meet again, old friend…

It’s been so long. Too long maybe, and I’m sure you’re all wondering why… Well… I really don’t know. 

I’ve been distracted. New boyfriend, new school, new netflix account, new hair. 

I swear I always thought of posting… I just always forgot or didn’t have time. 

Well tonight I’m not too terribly tired even though I really should be and I felt like having a little chat. Now, for those of you who actually take the time out of your very important schedules (i’m sure) to check up on me and explore my thoughts, I appreciate and adore you. You’re all lovely people. At least I’m pretty sure. 

I, however, am pretty sure I am not. I’ve recently discovered something about myself which I’m not sure I ever really wanted to know. In fact, I’m not sure I’m ready to admit it outright. I’ve been doing something. Something that.. didn’t make me guilty until a few days ago. When I broke my own rules. 

 

Now… let’s try this. If you’ve ever been able to rationalize something immoral without even realizing it, raise your hand.

Okay, you don’t REALLY have to raise your hand but I’m betting you considered it anyway. I know. I’m very convincing. 

Well perhaps if you have, you can relate. Maybe you felt you were justly picking on someone because they picked on others. (Let’s be honest. Ass holes are ass holes and we LOVE to tell them and everyone else to what degree they are thus). 

Maybe, like me, you’re insecure and found yourself in an awkward position of being wanted and not knowing how to say know. Even if you were wanted by someone who you even want back, there’s something really intriguing about not having been considered attractive most your life and then realizing that the people around you are starting to find you more desirable. As lovely of a feeling as it is, if you’re as insecure and in need of that feeling to be desired, this can be a serious hindrance. Now I tell you know, I have not physically or knowingly cheated on someone I was in a relationship with. At least, I didn’t know at the time if I was. 

In a relationship, one you’re serious about, you should establish an idea of what each person is alright and not alright with. Where they stand morally on certain situations and how they’d feel about you being in those situations. 

It’s a hard thing to explain. 

 

Anywho, perhaps a new line of thought. Since writing, I’ve found that I have rather a passionate appreciation for the motion picture, Harold and Maude. Ruth Gordon (Maude) is an inspirational character. Was an inspirational woman. It’s hard to imagine a woman so vivacious not being alive. Especially when I see hew nearly every day. She was a woman worth admiring. Desiring. Loving. And I want to be worthy of those things too. 

My boyfriend is quite lovely. If you haven’t met him, I apologize. He’s quite a likable person. I think it’s hard not to like someone who barely speaks because you’d be hard pressed to find something you don’t like about someone you can’t even get to know. 

But I got to know him. And it was worth the prodding and poking and emotional stories that got us to where we are today. But sometimes, I’d very much like to put today on hold for next year. 

It’s important to be single, I think. If you’ve been in bad relationships, whether it be the fault of one member or the other, avoiding relationships for an appropriate amount of time is a good way of reevaluating ones self. 

I want to always be honest with people. If I always promise to be honest, then I won’t do things I would be too ashamed to admit to. So it keeps my morals in check. At least for the most part. 

I have many regrets. I have… things I’ve blamed people for when I was just as much at fault. Things I let hurt me more than they ever should have. 

The real truth, the one people like to avoid sharing, is that I am not a particularly great person. I want to be. And I want to be able to say I try to be. I usually do try to be that person worth liking. I like to volunteer and make people around me happy. I’m the person adding patchwork all over the world. Making the wholes in relationships a little less likely to continue tearing. And I’m proud of that. 

I’m also very insecure, as I mentioned earlier. I’ve slept with people just for the validation. I’ll be almost anyone someone wants me to be in order to feel liked.

I’d love to be adored and occasionally feel that I deserve to be. But I feel everyone deserves a little adoration if they’re contributing something beneficial to society and I adore many people for various reasons. 

I believe in god but I don’t know which one and I’m not actively searching. I’m okay with not having a religion. I have faith that whoever it is who’s out there would interfere if he/she saw someone really suffering but just observes the rest of the time. 

I, until recently, did not feel that sexting/cybersex with someone while you’re in a relationship with someone else was really cheating. My reasoning for that was that I honestly did not invest much of myself into it. I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted but found it fulfilling in no other way. And I never would have taken it further. I know that. I’ve had the opportunity and I can’t do it. 

I’m passive aggressive because sometimes I like to watch the person that hurt me realize their mistake and feel guilty for it. When I’m satisfied with their guilt, I will talk to them and forgive them then maybe apologize for making them feel so bad. But I always mean it.

I’m scared of a lot of people. Anyone who’s opinion of me matters or I know will be swayed to a level of disliking if I don’t or do do something, I’ll make more of an effort with. 

I’m pro-choice. And I have a really fantastic argument as to why if you feel inclined to challenge me for my opinion. 

I prefer male companionship but often screw it up with sex. 

I was scared of dogs until recently. 

I give my mom a hard time a lot because I know she loves me unconditionally so I can get away with it. And I try to make sure she knows I love her and make up for being an ass when I can. 

I smoke tobacco when I’m upset or stressed. It keeps me from eating or seducing. But I hate cigarettes and think they taste awful.

I’m probably a hipster but I’m so determined to be unique that I get mad when people call me one. 

I dislike my step father a lot. For various reasons.

I don’t like when someone speaks for me without my permission. 

I hate lying. 

I suck at relationships. 

And I’m a hopeless romantic, but not the kind who likes pet names and public affection. 

I get jealous a lot.

I love a lot of people.

I think Harold is sexy because he’s awkward but my dream man is Hyde from That 70’s Show. I’ve never dated a Hyde… but I feel like I need to so I can know if we’d even really work. 

My favorite song right now is “I Think I See the Light” by Cat Stevens.

 

If you’ve actually read this whole thing, thanks for putting up with me and I hope you still think I’m worth loving. 

Live a meaningful life until we meet again. 

 

I want you to want me.

Well over the past few days, I’ve found that there are a few things that will always make me happy. Probably the first thing on that list would be being held by someone I feel close to. It’s just a nice feeling. It’s warm and safe and it’s just like a little enclosure of acceptance. When someone wraps their arms around you, you just feel wanted. It’s a feeling I believe is necessary in all lives.

There are probably arguments to the opposite effect but I believe that everyone really does want to be wanted. Maybe they don’t want to be needed but that is an entirely different situation. See… being wanted means that someone is voluntarily deciding that they want you in their life. Being needed means they don’t really have a choice. It’s possible that they want you as well but chances are their want for you is strongly based on their need for you.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this but I suppose I’ll get back the the point; Being wanted is a great feeling. I am not usually very good at expressing emotions and neither are the people I tend to keep company with but there is an understanding, I believe, that we want each other around. And as long as that want doesn’t turn into a need, I believe there is a healthy relationship. Admittedly, I often enjoy being needed. But it seems to come more out of a desire to be around others. I like feeling important. But being wanted is significantly more fulfilling. At least I believe it is.

Well I’m going to listen to some Cat Stevens and sew my pants.

Faire thee well!